There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
sarcasm needs its own font
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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