I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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