I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
