I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
