he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
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