ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Randomize
