Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
