I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
