I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
