I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Randomize
