I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
