Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
