Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
