I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
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