I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
