my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Randomize
