i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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