just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
Randomize
