I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
