there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
