from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
I skipped work to stalk him.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
