Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
