after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
