She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
