I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
