I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
