well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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