Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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