Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
