I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize