took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
