Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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