His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
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