I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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