be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
