I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
