Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
