It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
where are you?
Hypothermia
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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