I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
