Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
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