yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
that is very illegal...i love you.
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