Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize