OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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