Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
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