I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
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