apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
