The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
