I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
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