I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Randomize
