Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize