hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
