I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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