Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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