wakey wakey hands off snakey
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
